Harry Potter and the Tedious Fetch Quest
by GavsEvans123
Summary: Harry Potter does pop culture references, with a healthy side of self-deprecation. Re-uploaded because I did such a poor proofreading job. Hands up if you noticed it was gone!
1. And So the Adventure Begins

**Harry Potter and the Tedious Fetch Quest**

**Chapter 1: And so the Adventure Begins**

Darkness had fallen over the world. This is to be expected at night time, which it currently was, but the people were terrified of Lord Voldemort's reign of terror. To clarify, it was dark both literally and metaphorically. Anyway, I digress. I'll get to the story now... Well, I say "story", but such a description is quite generous. A more appropriate description would be "Poor quality crossover involving various unrelated characters, spouting recognisable quotes whenever the opportunity arises..."

"Could you be quiet, please?" Gary shouted to the disembodied voice appointed for narrative purposes. "You're rambling again."

Fine. I was getting to you in a minute, you jerk.

Gary's friends Ron and Hermione entered the room accompanied by someone Gary felt he had seen before, but couldn't remember.

"Why don't Hermione and I get new names?" Ron asked.

"I've told you before, Ron. I'm the one Voldemort's after, and a new name will fool him." Gary replied.

"How do you expect him to be fooled by changed initials?" Hermione queried. "I doubt Voldemort is that stupid."

Harry thought for a minute before giving a response.

"When you put it like that, I prefer the name Gary."

000

Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, Voldemort and his minions were watching the Black Cauldron of Blackness intently. Voldemort was fuming.

"Curses! Harry Potter has disappeared! There's someone called Gary Rotter, but there's no Harry Potter!"

Two of the minions struggled to stifle their giggles. Voldemort rounded on one of them, his manservant Wormtail. The portly little man shrunk backwards under his master's gaze.

"Sir... Perhaps Harry has changed his name as a disguise." He suggested. Voldemort pondered this possibility and seemed to calm down.

"Yes, that would be quite clever of him. Wormtail, as a reward, you don't have to clean my armpits the next time I have a sponge bath." Wormtail breathed a sigh of relief as Voldemort spoke to the other chuckler. He was wearing a hooded robe that obscured his face in shadow.

"You. Check it out."

The hooded man mimicked Voldemort's voice with impressive accuracy.

"You. Check it out." He snorted derisively. "As if!"

As the remainder of the group laughed uproariously, Voldemort struggled to retain his composure as he spoke.

"You know, Xigbar?"

Oh no, here we go!

"Shut it you!" Voldemort screamed, before clearing his throat. "Right then, where was I before being so rudely interrupted by the narrator? Line please?"

A man with a clipboard appeared to show Voldemort his line before leaving.

"Thanks. Okay, let's try again. You know, Xigbar? I've had a gruelling day of manual labour. My armpits are sweating through my thick robes." Voldemort tossed Xigbar a sponge. "I think it's bath time. Don't you?"

Xigbar held out his hand to create a corridor of darkness and leapt in, hastily saying. "I'll be a good boy now!"

Voldemort clasped his hands together.

"I'd say this covers everything. Any questions before we finish for tonight?" A small hand went up. "Yes, Bowser Jr.?" Voldemort crouched down to hear the young one's demand.

"Could I borrow the Black Cauldron please? I kidnapped Princess Peach, but Bowser, Dry Bowser and all the other guys were defeated and I'm getting rather desperate."

As Bowser Jr. left with the Cauldron, Bellatrix turned to Wormtail and whispered "So that's where he got that from."

000

Gary shuddered violently.

"Is something wrong?" Ron asked.

"I just had the feeling that somebody was talking about me. It's nothing to worry about." Gary changed the subject. "Who's the other guy?"

"This is your decoy, Gary." Hermione pointed to the stranger. "We paid him to stay here while we go save the world."

"Expecto Patronum! Expelliarmus!" The decoy started waving a pointy stick about, jabbing Gary with it in the process.

"Ow! Be more careful with... Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you that guy who ran into my cupboard and stole all my clothes?"

Before this situation could get any more awkward, the doorbell rang. Gary could not be seen partaking in such menial activities.

"Ron, door."

"Hermione, door."

"Decoy, door."

The decoy went to answer the door to find Xigbar, holding a parcel and dressed in a postman's outfit two sizes too small for him.

"I have a special delivery for a Gary Rotter. Could you sign here for it please?"

"You mean Harry Potter, right?" The decoy asked.

"As if! Uh, I mean yes! Uh, no! Who? Erm, mayhaps? Oh forget this, it's a bomb!" Xigbar vanished as the parcel exploded, leaving a pair of smoking boots where the decoy once stood. Harry took in the destruction.

"Well. That was quite something." He said. "I think we'll need a new hideout."


	2. President Evil

**Chapter 2: President Evil**

"It is done." Xigbar said as he returned to Voldemort's lair.

"Fantastic, Xigbar!" Voldemort smiled at this news. "There's no need for you to worry about the sponge bath either. Bellatrix taught me how to wash myself like a big boy."

"Kid's really let himself go." Xigbar remarked. Voldemort stiffened at this.

"But he's a very thin kid."

"Thin? As if!" Voldemort stood for a few moments trying to take in this development. Once this had been done, he slapped Xigbar to the floor and began kicking him repeatedly.

"Do you have any IDEA who Harry Potter is! Do you?" Wormtail cleared his throat to get the Dark Lord's attention, who was currently occupied pouring petrol over Xigbar and searching for a lighter.

"If I may suggest something... You could put your hostage to use."

"Hostage? I don't recall having a hostage." Voldemort said.

"You know, the guy you captured before the story started."

"Oh, that hostage! Yes, this idea has merit, Wormtail. President Jobsworth will be the bait the lure Harry Potter to his demise! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Voldemort cackled evilly before being interrupted by the person next door.

"Hey! Keep it down! I'm trying to sleep here!"

"Sorry." Voldemort whispered. "mwahahahahaha."

000

"The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?" Asked an advertisement playing on the television on display in the window of the television shop Harry and co. were passing. Wait a minute, I hear you say. Why is our hero being referred to as Harry now?

"Since my decoy was killed, I no longer need a fake name."

The television started bouncing up and down.

"Pay attention to me! Now are you, or are you not, a bad enough dude to rescue the president?"

"Yes, yes I am! Ron, Hermione, I hope you brought the people saving bags, we're off the rescue the President!"

"Harry, think about this." Hermione pleaded. "Don't you remember that business with Sirius Black?"

"Who?"

"Your godfather." Ron interjected helpfully. "You were tricked into thinking he was being tortured, so you went to rescue him, but he wasn't being tortured and he came to rescue you and he died. Is any of this ringing a bell with you?"

"The point being," Hermione said, "This could be a trap."

"But what if it's not?" Harry argued. "Could you live with President Jobsworth's blood on your hands?"

Ron and Hermione looked at each other sheepishly.

"If this is a trap," Hermione threatened, "I will gouge out your eyes and replace them with your testicles."

000

"I knew it." Hermione looked up at the evil looking castle where President Jobsworth was being held captive. "Ron, get the scalpel ready."

"What were you expecting?" Harry retorted "Disneyland?"

Hermione sighed. "I guess you're right. Let's go. Ron, hold on to the scalpel just in case."

As Harry went to knock on the castle doors, a fishlike creature jumped out and startled the trio with a warning.

"It's a trap!"

Harry studied the creature for a moment. "Wow. Thanks, Admiral Ackbar!"

"No problem. President Jobsworth is being held by Umbridge at the Hanging Court."

"Let's go team!" Harry charged off, ready to go on his latest adventure. Hermione facepalmed. "If I were the hero, this would have all been sorted by now. But no, J.K. Rowling had to make boys want to read..."

"Who's J.K. Rowling?" Ron asked.

"Your mother." Hermione snapped.

"No, she isn't. My mother's Mrs Weasley, and she's noticing that I'm not home right about..." Silence. "Now."

A scream echoed through the land. "Ronald Weasley! Where are you!"

"I'm saving the world, Mum!"

"Oh. OK then. Will you be home in time for tea?"

"I don't think so, mum."

"OK, I'll leave your food in the oven so that it stays warm. Good luck dear!"


	3. The Kingdom of the Lizardmen

**Chapter 3: The Kingdom of the Lizardmen**

"This is the place." Harry studied the map in his hands, a pointless exercise as the map had only a picture of Harry and an X on it. The rest of the map was covered with "Here be dragons", "There be dragons" and "Everywhere be dragons".

"I don't think you'd need a map to see that." Hermione pointed at the Hanging Court, where President Jobsworth was captive. The Court was between two ordinary, unremarkable houses, but the Court itself was anything but ordinary. A long, rickety rope bridge suspended perilously over a pit of lava led to a foreboding gothic cathedral, complete with thunderclap. At midday. Go figure.

000

A man stood in the centre of the Court dressed in his Sunday Best. He appeared to be on trial, with Xigbar standing above him, making sure that he could not flee. In this context, "Above him" means upside down on the roof. Xigbar's second purpose was as a bodyguard for the judge. She, a large, slug-like creature wielding a heart-topped sceptre, was presiding over the trial.

"David Yates, you are convicted of the crime of staying with the Harry Potter film franchise longer than any of your predecessors. How do you plead?"

Yates pondered a while before giving a response.

"I plead that you've really let yourself go, Umbridge."

"OFF WITH THEIR HEAD!" Umbridge roared, for indeed, 'twas she. Harry and his friends burst into the courtroom to function as a defence.

"Your honour, I didn't catch what film series you're talking about, but surely, a bit of consistency is a good thing? Besides, how could you think of executing a man who burned you good?"

"On second thought, don't answer that last one." Ron hastily added.

"Order in the court!" Umbridge shouted for silence. "Criminals are allowed to have someone defend them and hopefully prove them innocent?"

"Courts now operate on the idea that criminals are innocent until proven guilty, your honour. It's a new thing." Xigbar clarified.

"Well, this changes everything." Umbridge said, before adopting a more sinister tone. "I don't like change." She slammed her sceptre on a small blue button on the desk in front of her. This opened a trap door- rather inconveniently, it was nowhere near where Harry, Ron and Hermione were standing. Umbridge sighed.

"Would you mind tossing yourselves down the trap door?" Umbridge asked.

"You can get some filler out of it."

"Everything up to this point has been filler!" Hermione refused for the three of them. Umbridge turned to address Yates.

"If you push them in, we can discuss sending you to prison instead of beheading." Umbridge's new offer was more tantalising. Yates moved towards the trio.

"Sorry about this. It's nothing personal."

"Cast them down!" Umbridge ordered, thus forcing Yates to push our heroes into the pit.

000

When Harry, Ron and Hermione came to several hours later, they'd been tied to three stakes by a race of what appeared to be lizardmen. A larger specimen in grand robes who appeared to be their leader noticed they were awake.

"Ah! Our sacrifices are ready! We can commence with our ritual!"

"Where are we?" Hermione asked them.

"I am the Lizard Queen, and this is the Kingdom of the Lizardmen! Whenever someone falls from the world above, we dress up in a pantomime costume taken from the Dress-Up Wardrobe and then sacrifice them to our God with the Sacrificial Chainsaw!" The Lizard Queen gestured towards said chainsaw, which was currently resting on a table. "As I am the Queen of the Lizardmen, I have the right to sacrifice all who fall here!"

"Now that's not very fair, is it?" Harry said. "It would be more appropriate for all of you to get chainsaws, so that you can fight over the Sacrificial Chainsaw, which you can then use to kill us, having gotten dressed up in a pantomime costume."

"That is more fair." The Lizard Queen conceded. "But we only have one chainsaw."

Ron caught on to what Harry was trying to do. "If you untie me, I can magic up many chainsaws." The Lizard Queen complied, thus allowing Ron to magic up many chainsaws. After these had been handed out to the lizardmen, a truly horrific battle commenced. Hermione watched in horror as left, right and centre, lizardmen were decapitated, disembowelled, dismembered and other violent verbs beginning with the letter D. Eventually, none remained.

"I hope you two are happy with yourselves. You've driven an entire race to extinction."

"Who cares? They tried to kill us, so it's fair game if you ask me." Harry said.

"Besides, we should look for the Dress-Up Wardrobe. I have an idea..."


	4. The Plot Finally Goes Somewhere

**Chapter 4: Anyone Reading This Will Be Pleased to Hear That the Plot Finally Goes Somewhere in This Chapter**

In the Courtroom, Umbridge had been learning about the workings of the new legal system.

"So, the jury are to discuss amongst each other how they feel about the evidence presented by the defence and the prosecution before the judge passes a verdict?" She asked. Xigbar and Yates nodded in confirmation.

"OK, so if anyone could volunteer, that would be terrific."

The jury, which consisted of Jafar, Commander Worf and a pantomime donkey in a straw hat, stepped out from a room behind Umbridge and took their places behind her.

"Jury. Commence nodding." Umbridge ordered. The jury obeyed. Nod. Nod. Nod. Nod. Nod. Nod. Nod. Nod. Once this had been done, Jafar announced the jury's verdict.

"Your honour, we, the jury, find that you can no longer be allowed to live."

000

Before Umbridge had a chance to register what Jafar had said, he had pulled the two halves of his staff apart to reveal a chain, which he promptly used to strangle Umbridge. As she flailed about in her death throes, Umbridge slammed the big red button next to the small blue one. This button released an army of ninjas into the room, who attacked the jury. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Bruce the Goblin tore off their now useless disguises and fought the good fight (Bruce had been taken captive by the Lizardmen, but they had allowed him to live, as his small stature meant the Lizardmen could use the pantomime donkey costume. He was quick to reassure Hermione that he was not on the Sex Offender's Register.) As their attention was occupied, a pit slowly opened and several writhing tentacles emerged from inside. Yates was stuck on the ever decreasing circle, so he decided to jump to safety. He was unable to jump far enough, and started to slide down the sides of the pit, when one of the monster's tentacles wrapped itself around his leg, trying to drag him to his demise. Elsewhere, Ron was battling multiple mooks with Dispel spells, as his conscience had caught up to him after Hermione had shouted at him for driving the Lizardmen to extinction. Naturally, this was having little effect, and one of his spells went off course when the ninjas charged into him. Xigbar had gone relatively unnoticed in the ruckus, and was aiming his crossbows at Harry's head.

"It turns out the Boy who Lived was on borrowed time."

Xigbar laughed at his little one-liner, and fired. Harry instinctively crouched as a pair of crossbow bolts embedded themselves in the wall directly above his head. Ron's dispel spell had hit Xigbar, taking away his spatial manipulation abilities and throwing off his aim as he fell into the pit. He bounced off the tentacle wrapped around Yates' leg and rolled into the monster's mouth. The sudden shock had loosened the monster's grip on Yates, thus allowing him to scramble out of the pit and run into a side room. The remaining ninjas continued to fight for a while, but they soon gave up and fled upon realising that Voldemort's hanging judge and one of his lieutenants had been lost, leaving Harry, Ron, Hermione and Bruce the Goblin victorious.

000

Once he was sure the battle was over, Yates came out of the side room, accompanied by a stout, portly figure.

"I am President Jobsworth. Thank you for rescuing me. Before I discuss my plan, I have a question for Ron. Why were you using Dispel? Are you a wee little sissy man or something?"

Ron was outraged at this slight.

"I am a Buddhist. How dare you insult my religion! Just for that, I'll vote for Senator O'Cratt in the next election!"

"Since when were you a Buddhist?" Hermione asked.

"Since you made me feel bad about the Lizardmen episode." Ron replied sheepishly.

"Now that was quick."

Jobsworth continued once Ron's rage had subsided.

"As you may or may not know, Voldemort is immortal, unless he does something to change that. However, he can be defeated with the use of three artefacts. These are the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail and the Crystal Skull."

"Do we have to get the skull?" Harry groaned. "If there are aliens involved, I'm out."

At this point, Admiral Ackbar reappeared with more sage advice.

"I'm an alien and I saved your life!"

"Fine." Harry sighed, and reluctantly accepted the quest.

"I will assist whenever I can. Admiral Ackbar away!" Ackbar leapt into the air and flew through an open window, only to be caught in a lasso and dragged down to Earth for a crash landing.

"Collecting the artefacts will teach you the method to defeat Voldemort. It is imperative that you succeed!" Jobsworth proclaimed with a flourish, and the group of five turned to leave. Jobsworth called Bruce back.

"I think four will be enough. You can do my laundry."

Yates tried to engage the trio in conversation as they left.

"So, which artefact are we going after first?"

Silence.

"Why are you ignoring me? No hard feelings, okay?"

"Actually, there are." Harry shoved Yates down the trap door to the Kingdom of the Lizardmen.

"What was that for?" Yates called as he fell.

"You helped Umbridge when you would benefit from it, so we can't trust you not to do the same thing again."

Our heroes opened the door to leave the courtroom, to come face to face with Voldemort.

000

"What the hell is going on here!" Voldemort raved. "You will die Harry Potter!" Harry put up a hand to silence the dark lord.

"These are not the wizards you are looking for." Voldemort repeated this in a dreamy voice, as if hypnotised.

"Move along"

"Move along."

Wormtail burst out laughing. Voldemort was confused.

"What? Am I missing something here?"

"You let your greatest foe ruin your operations and then escape unscathed." Wormtail said, before pausing as he was laughing too hard. "I didn't say anything because it's funny when you make a fool of yourself."

"Wow." Voldemort said. "I haven't felt this awkward since I had to turn down Sephiroth."

000

"You have a sword the length of an articulated lorry, and a single black wing that makes getting through doors an absolute bitch. You're compensating for something, aren't you?"

000

"Hello?" Called a voice from the pit. "Mind if I interrupt this cutaway which positively, definitely will not prove important later?"

Voldemort looked about for the source of the voice.

"Xigbar? Where are you?"

"I'm in this monster's mouth. Could you help me out, please?"

Voldemort cackled, as he was finally in control.

"You expect me to help you after all the nonsense I've had to put up with from you? As if!"


	5. Ronald Weasley's Failing Sideshow

**Chapter 5: Ronald Weasley's Failing Sideshow**

"All righty then. I bring the first meeting of the Super-Pals to order."

Harry, Ron and Hermione sat around a table in the local pub. Bruce had managed to finish doing Jobsworth's laundry and catch up to the trio, and soon got himself a job serving drinks.

"We know that we need to look for the three artefacts, but we don't know where, or indeed how, to start looking. Any suggestions?"

A bout of silent, contemplative chin-stroking began, which was ultimately broken by Ron.

"How about we have a montage where we research possible locations, complete with a bad 80's song?"

"Ron, you're a star!" Hermione complimented Ron for the first, and probably last, time. "Do you have any bad 80's songs on your MP3 player?"

"No, but I do have the Marvel Vs Capcom 2 song. Will that do?"

000

Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, Voldemort and his remaining cronies were watching our heroes' movements on an old black and white television.

"Say, sir. Why are we watching an old black and white television instead of the Black Cauldron of Blackness?" Bellatrix asked.

"Bowser Jr. never gave the Cauldron back. That thing cost me a fortune! Now I need a drink to calm down. Bryce!"

Voldemort called for Bryce the Goblin, Bruce's brother, to pour him a drink, and took a hearty swig.

"Ah. The tears of children are so refreshing!"

Voldemort's cauldron-related rage had vanished following a taste of the cruel concoction. "From watching the old black and white television, we know that the kids are gathering three artefacts in order to defeat me. Wormtail, you find the Holy Grail. Bellatrix, you get the Crystal Skull."

Voldemort stopped as Bellatrix's hand went up. "Yes?"

"Can I bring Harley Quinn with me?"

"Fine, you can take Harley Quinn with you."

"She was my roommate at uni, you know." Bellatrix clarified. Voldemort continued the meeting.

"This leaves the Ark of the Covenant to Kagemaru, leader of the ninja army," Kagemaru waved a hand about to indicate himself, "Who will be accompanied by my most powerful minion." A gesture towards the hooded minion who often accompanied Wormtail. "The one they call... Lex Luthor?"

Lex Luthor was standing in the doorway, and he didn't look too pleased.

"It's Tuesday. I've booked the Legion of Doom for an aerobics class. You'll have to leave."

"Can't you see I'm in the middle of a meeting here?" Voldemort snapped.

"I'll let you finish if you and your minions come to my aerobics class."

"Are they evil aerobics classes?"

"Yes."

"Deal."

000

"My montage idea worked! This is where the Holy Grail is!" Ron said with glee.

"Do you plan on telling us where we are?" Harry asked.

"We're in Camelot." Ron answered.

"Camelot?"

"Camelot."

"_Camelot?"_

"Camelot. It's only a model." Ron added, thinking that the other two were in awe of the castle.

"Zis castle is no modell!" A soldier with a thick French accent called from the top of the castle.

"Do you know where the Holy Grail is?" Hermione shouted to the Frenchman.

"Ah have eet, and you cannot have eet!" The Frenchman shouted back. "A fat little hairy man wanted eet earlier, but he could not have eet eizair!"

000

"Greetings, fair knight! I'm afraid I know but one phrase of your language, so you will have to forgive me for incorrect pronunciation or whatnot." Wormtail cleared his throat before he spoke.

"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi c'est soir?"

"Get out of my contrieee!"

000

"I can make you change your mind." Ron shouted across. "None shall pass!"

The Frenchman facepalmed, so Ron tried to gain his sympathy. He pointed at Harry.

"He turned me into a newt!" Silence, as nobody was fooled for a second. Ron apologised to Harry. "I got better. Okay, how about this." Ron addressed the Frenchman once more.

"I didn't vote for you!"

This didn't work either. "You would not be expected to! You are not legell citizains of France! Besides, you are not yet of age, and would be unaibell to vote anyway. Sacre bleu!"

Hermione could not take any more.

"I can't take any more!" Hermione took a golden object in the shape of a pineapple from her pocket and threw it at the castle. The Frenchman gasped in horror once he realised what it was.

"Ze Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! How did vous get zis?"

The castle exploded, and Ron caught the Holy Grail as the blast tossed it out of the castle.

"That was rather anticlimactic." Harry said, disappointed. "How did you get that anyway?"

"It was on eBay." Hermione replied.


	6. Originality and Sense Die in the Corner

**Chapter 6: Originality and Sense go to Die in the Corner**

"The Holy Grail has been collected, and is currently gracing Ron's fireplace, the jerk. I had dibs on it!" Harry shouted in frustration.

"I'll trade you for a mug with "I Heart Buddha" on it." Ron replied. Harry's scowl informed Ron that he had no such mug, as did his leaving to go to a local charity shop.

"Ron, could you come over here?" Hermione showed Ron her laptop, which was on Bellatrix's Facebook page. Bellatrix had left a comment saying:

"I'm going to Arkham Asylum for a visit before getting the Crystal Skull, because I know where it is." Underneath was a message saying "Lord Voldemort likes this." Hermione and Ron put their coats on to leave.

"My plan is to follow Bellatrix and find the island ourselves." Hermione informed Ron.

"That's all well and good, but what's Bellatrix doing in Arkham?" Ron asked.

00000

"Dr Crane? Why are you working here?" Bellatrix asked as she stood at the entrance of Arkham Asylum. Crane took a sip from his I Heart Buddha mug before answering.

"Budget cuts. The inmates are covering until we can get funding for more employees."

"Can Miss Quinzel come out and play?"

"I guess so. Just make sure you're back by six o'clock."

00000

Ron had grown bored of the journey to the island.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

Following a bit more of this, Ron asked where they were going.

"Where are we going anyway?" Ron asked, as the island came into view.

Hermione pointed to the island. "There."

Upon docking the boat, Ron saw a sign telling him that the island was Isla Nublar.

"You know what? I'm out. I'm fed up of this rubbish!" He shouted to nobody in particular.

"You and me both!" Boomed the voice of the Narrator. "Next time the author should take their time and think, instead of writing whatever crap comes into their head!"

Hermione had found another sign saying "This way for the Crystal Skull!" She muttered to herself.

"This is suspicious, but I guess there's nothing to worry about. If it were a trap, Admiral Ackbar would have said so by now. Are you coming Ron?" Hermione found that Ron was too engrossed comparing script notes with the Narrator.

"Buddhism? I'm a Catholic! That's the only explanation I can think of as to why there are so many Weasley children!"

"My script was from an earlier draft."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. There was a drafting process?"

00000

Hermione travelled to the heart of the island alone, where she eventually found a goat which was wearing the Crystal Skull on one of its horns.  
>"Could I have that please, Mr Goat?" Hermione kneeled down to talk to the goat, who refused her offer by butting her and running off.<p>

"When I find you, you're going on a one way trip to a dairy farm!" Hermione threatened.

"No he won't." Cackled a female voice from the inside of a dome shaped building.

"Why not?"

"Because Rex here just ate him."

Suddenly the building was destroyed as Bellatrix Lestrange rode out on a Tyrannosaurus Rex wrapped in a faded banner. Bellatrix had the Skull in her lap.

"Now for your reward." Bellatrix put one of her fingers in Rex's mouth, allowing him to bite it off. She screamed in orgasmic pain, and rubbed the bloodied stump over her face.

"Oh yeah, that's the stuff."

"You're off your rocker!" A horrified Hermione screamed in terror at this psychotic display.

"Harley, where are you?" The mad woman called in a singsong voice for her similarly insane cohort.

"I found these two criticising the plot." Harley pulled a clown's handkerchief behind her to reveal Ron and the giant celestial finger of the Narrator tied up.

"Screw this, I'm out of here!" The Narrator used his omnipotent powers to pull out his finger from the trap and return to whence it came until his next appearance in chapter 8.

"I knew this was a trap!" Hermione started to beat herself up. "Why didn't Admiral Ackbar say so?"

"I'll take that question." Bellatrix said. "Admiral Ackbar is dead. He gave my Voldy-Woldy food poisoning!"

00000

"Fried Calamari for dinner tonight sir. Put your bib on." Wormail set the plate down on the tray of Voldemort's high chair.

"Why isn't your bib on?"

"I don't want it!" Voldemort sulked.

"If you don't put the bib on, you can't have pudding." Wormtail warned his master, who reluctantly put the bib on. He sat motionless.

"Is something wrong?" Wormtail asked.

"Feed me."

Wormtail started to let his anger get the better of him.

"Sir, you're a big boy now..."

"Feed me!"

With a deep sigh, Wormtail stabbed a fork into the food, and moved it into Voldemort's mouth.

"Here comes the broomstick. Nyeaoouh!"

As Voldemort chewed on his dinner, Wormtail heard a small voice say "It's a trap!"

"Did you hear something?"

"No Wormtail, you must be going senile."

"I'm only 38!" Wormtail snapped.

"You spent 12 years of your life as a rat!" Voldemort retorted.

"Touchẻ."

00000

"I'll be right there now. Bye bye!" Bellatrix switched her phone off.

"I didn't hear any of that!" Ron moaned.

"The phone rang during the cutaway." Bellatrix said. "Harley, could you take these two and the Skull to Arkham? Lex Luthor doesn't let us bring work matters into his aerobics classes."

00000

"You can put the prisoners in my office for a bit, Harley. I'm just off to the staff room to watch Hollyoaks." Dr Crane gave Harley the keys to his office before departing. He stopped outside a cell with an unusually optimistic prisoner. Sneaky Dave was a wizard notorious for his crimes of wizard tax evasion, burning Muggles at the stake and owning Jersey Shore on DVD.

"This is the day. I'm going to escape today. I'll finally be out. I hear Michael Bay's latest is on special offer..." Dr Crane threw a phial of fear toxin into the cell, and the change was palpable. Dave collapsed to the floor and cradled himself.

"Natalie Portman's legs aren't meant to do that! That's some David Cronenberg stuff right there! Do not want Donotwant DONOTWANT!"

"Anti-Contextuo!" Hermione whispered the spell towards Harley during the commotion.

00000

"I have to keep you occupied for a bit. Any requests?" Harley motioned towards Dr Crane's bookshelf. Hermione had a book in mind.

"Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, please. The chapter when Ron is poisoned."

"WHAT?"

"OK, Ron has been poisoned, here we go." Harley cleared her throat and began to read. ""Ron!" ejaculated Slughorn." Harley stopped, closed the book and slowly put it down. She had turned white as a sheet, and was shaking violently. She put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger to reveal a bang flag. Next, she attached some sticky tape to the flag and put it on the roof of her mouth. The reasoning for this became clear as she started to vomit profusely. Ron took the opportunity to steal the Skull, Dr Crane's Buddha mug and the book.

"I'm going to sue this J.K. Rowling person for improper use of my name! Who does she think she is?"


	7. What Harry Did at the Charity Shop

**Chapter 7: What Harry did at the Charity Shop**

Harry arrived at the charity shop to see two men in robes trying to buy a large golden crate. The crate was intricately decorated with biblical imagery, and was supported by two large poles on either side. The men were discussing their find with Joyce from behind the counter.

"That coffee table has been here since we opened. I don't understand why nobody's bought it until now." Joyce lowered her head to whisper to the men.

"I was going to buy it myself, you know."

One of the men, who wore a hood so as to conceal his identity, spoke to the other, whose face was visible.

"It's a good thing that you like buying old videos for 50p each even though you can't watch them, Kagemaru."

Kagemaru put his videos on the counter and rooted around in his pockets for money.

"I'm stockpiling for when someone invents a video-to-DVD converter."

Joyce cleared her throat to get Kagemaru's attention.

"This is the sixth copy of Star Wars Episode 1 you've bought. Isn't one enough?"

The other man was irritated by this.

"I hate that film! Why do you keep buying it?"

Kagemaru rounded on his soon-to-be ex-friend.

"So you're the one who keeps getting rid of it! There's more to the film than Jar Jar you know! Now I feel bad because I thought it was Xigbar."

"Xigbar, did you get rid of my Episode 1 video again?" Kagemaru asked.

Xigbar didn't even look up from his newspaper. "As if!"

An awkward silence ensued.

"This cutaway is here purely to use that catchphrase one more time, isn't it?" Kagemaru said.

"Of course!" M. Bison confirmed.

"Stop right there!" Harry shouted. "You can't have the Ark of the Covenant, and neither can Voldemort!"

Kagemaru drew his katana, knocking his tapes over and sending Joyce diving for cover with a cry of:

"So that's what that coffee table was."

The hooded man took the opportunity to escape with the Ark, leaving Harry to deal with an ill-tempered ninja.

00000

"Harry Potter. At last we meet." Kagemaru advanced upon Harry menacingly.

"You've been causing some trouble for Voldemort. He didn't take you seriously until my ninjas failed to prevent you from rescuing President Jobsworth."

"You were behind that?" Harry interrupted.

"Yes." Kagemaru replied. "The President was kidnapped by ninjas. Evidently, you were a bad enough dude to rescue the President. For that you must be slain."

Kagemaru licked the blade of his sword in a misguided attempt to intimidate Harry, serving to give our hero enough time to knock over a basket of bouncy balls, prompting Joyce to shout from under the counter.

"Leave my balls alone!"

The balls hit Kagemaru in the face, causing him to step back onto more balls and fall over.

"Slapstick AGAIN!" he screamed.

"Again?" Harry inquired.

"I was defeated once by the slapstick antics of three young ninjas. Since then, I have taken a new identity and defeat all who shall use it against me. You are no exception!"

Kagemaru raised his weapon for another strike and slashed wildly, beheading a mannequin in the process.

The mannequin's wig landed on Kagemaru's head, distracting him. Harry seized this chance to smack Kagemaru with the closest object to hand- in this case, a 2004 Big Brother annual. Kagemaru was thrown off balance and staggered backwards into a wardrobe, which fell and crushed him.

"I admit defeat. Truly, you are a worthy opponent." Kagemaru wheezed. "Now, lift this wardrobe off me. There is one thing I need to do."

Harry complied, and Kagemaru kneeled and drew out a dagger. Harry leapt backwards, but Kagemaru reassured him.

"Fear not. This is not for you. I have dishonoured my clan and ancestors. Now I must pay the price."

Kagemaru slowly moved the dagger across the side of his waist, creating a gaping wound, before falling to the floor, dead. Harry took the katana and a "I Buddha" coffee mug and ran in pursuit of the hooded man. Meanwhile, Joyce got out from her hiding place and looked at the state of disrepair her shop was now in.

"I am not cleaning this mess up."

Instead, she closed the shop early and went to pour herself a cup of tea.


	8. Holy Sith

**Chapter 8: Holy Sith**

The hooded figure was sprinting from the charity shop, levitating the Ark of the Covenant ahead of him. Harry was in hot pursuit and ready to catch him, when the assailant spun around. The Ark mimicked his movement, which resulted in Harry running straight into it and knocking himself out.

000

When Harry came to, both the man and the Ark were gone.

"No!" Harry shouted in frustration. "I lost him! Now how will I defeat Voldemort?" Harry thought for a bit, then remembered that he still had his map. He opened it to find that it was as useless as ever, since he wasn't looking for dragons either here, there or everywhere.

"Need some help?" The voice of the Narrator boomed from the heavens.

"If you could, then that would be fantastic." Harry perked up at this potential breakthrough.

"Here you go!" The Narrator handed down a portable television. Harry switched it on to find not the Ark's location, but the video for Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up".

"Ha ha ha ha ha! You should see the look on your face!" The Narrator found his practical joke to be quite mirthful. Harry, on the other hand, did not see the funny side, and was incensed at being Rickrolled by an omnipotent entity.

The Narrator took a picture on his phone of Harry's face.

"This is going on Facebook! I'll tag you in it, and then I'll comment on the picture that your face is the greatest in all of Koridai!" The Narrator then noticed Harry's sword. "I like that sword. Where did you get it?"

Harry clicked his fingers. "The sword! Of course!" Harry picked Kagemaru's katana and held it up to his face. "Give me sight beyond sight!"

Harry was rewarded with an image of the mysterious man with the Ark at a seaside cliff. Harry ran off to find said cliff.

"Thanks for that Narrator! Maybe I won't kill you now!"

00000

The hooded man looked at his watch again.

"Hurry up! It's been 12:13 for ten minutes now!"

"Then you need a new watch." Harry had finally caught up to the mystery villain, who spoke as he took off his hood.

"I'd give that one-liner a 4." Harry gasped at the villain's identity.

"Darth Maul!"

"Yes, it is I. Now you will understand why I caused a scene at the charity shop when Kagemaru was trying to buy Episode 1. I don't have nearly enough screen time!"

"Tell me about it." Harry sympathised. "I only had one line in Chapter 6."

"Much as I'd like to continue talking, I'm afraid I'll have to kill you now."

Maul switched on his Lightsaber and prepared to attack. Harry charged his weapon.

"Thunder, thunder, thunder!" The blade grew in size and became a shaft of pure light. Harry blocked Maul's attack, then Kagemaru stepped between them.

"I never knew I could do that!"

Harry looked up from his script. "No, you couldn't do that. Only the pure of heart can do it."

"Hax! I call hax!" Kagemaru protested.

"Security!" Harry beckoned for two burly men in black T-shirts to escort Kagemaru off the set.

00000

Maul had gone to get a mug of hot chocolate while Kagemaru was complaining, and was kind enough to bring Harry one too. The two drank their hot chocolate, and a stage hand took the mugs away once they'd finished. The two picked up their weapons again.

"Ready?" Maul asked. Harry nodded. "Okay, go!"

00000

The fight continued in earnest. Harry was constantly on the back foot, deflecting Maul's blows while being pushed back towards the cliff edge. Maul soon managed to knock Harry's weapon out of his hands and force him to the edge.

"Any last words?" Maul asked.

"I liked Grievous better!" Harry answered, defiant to the end. Just as Harry had hoped, Maul dashed forward in a fit of rage. Harry was able to dodge his charge, pick up his katana, and swipe at Maul's chest. Maul was taken by surprise, and he stumbled back.

"Oh, this takes me back." As he fell, he split in two, having been cut in half. Harry was triumphant, and had claimed the Ark of the Covenant. He started to drag it, but the Ark was heavy and he was tired.

"Sod this, I'm getting a taxi."


	9. The Boring Exposition Chapter

**Chapter 9: The Boring Exposition Chapter With Few Jokes, None Of Which Are All That Funny**

"Please don't scuff the floor dragging that thing." President Jobsworth called as Harry dragged the Ark of the Covenant into Jobsworth's office.

"If you helped me, I wouldn't have to!" Harry snapped. "The Ark was so heavy, the taxi took forever to get here, and because I couldn't afford to tip the driver, he made me sing "I'm a Little Teapot", so you'll forgive me if I'm not in the best of moods right now."

Jobsworth rubbed his hands with glee before continuing with his plot-dumping duties.

"Well done Harry, you've found the three artefacts."

"Hang on!" Ron and Hermione protested "We found one of them!"

"Harry's name is in the title so he gets the credit. Anyway, I've discovered that the artefacts will bestow Harry with the Great Kali Technique."

Right on cue, three beams of light came from the artefacts, and combined to form an instruction manual.

"While I remember, Harry, you're being replaced while you learn the technique."

"By me." The replacement announced in a gravelly, badass voice. "Neville Longbottom."

00000

"I hired Neville as Harry's replacement because the guy I normally get wasn't available. Big chap with bigger sword, dresses in red with his arm in a sling, you might know him, but I digress. Neville here is a bounty hunter with a personal grudge against Voldemort."

Ron and Hermione were not pleased at losing a chance to be the hero. Neville could tell.

"You're not pleased at losing a chance to be the hero. I can tell. I'm warning you now. Try anything, and I will break you in so many places, a contortionist would wince." Ron and Hermione backed off. "One of Voldemort's men killed my cousin. I heard he was acting as a decoy for you guys."

Ron was taken aback by this startling new revelation.

"The fanboy in Chapter 1?"

Hermione didn't say anything, as she was too busy wondering how such a poor author could have the audacity to retcon a minor comic relief character into someone of relative importance.

"The man responsible has been taken out." Neville said. "Voldemort will be the next best thing."

00000

Jobsworth got out two tapes.

"I want you three to watch these tapes so that you can see what Voldemort has been up to in your absence."

The first tape showed Wormtail wearing a trenchcoat and dark glasses, speaking to a man in a purple coat. He appeared to be a merchant of some kind.

"Welcome stranger! What are ya buyin'?"

"I'd like some superweapon plans, please." Wormtail said, handing over a sack full to the brim with gold.

"Not enough cash, stranger!"

"Wow, those must be some really good plans."

Wormtail took out a piece of paper.

"What are ya sellin'?"

"I'll throw in the publishing rights to my autobiography as well. I call it "Surrounded by Idiots.""

"Ah! I'll buy it at a high price!" The merchant was impressed with his acquisition and handed Wormtail the plans.

"Heh heh heh! Thank you. Come back any time, stranger!"

00000

Jobsworth took the first tape out and switched on the second.

"This tape shows the weapon and its effects."

The screen changed to a woodland scene with three chipmunks discussing an important matter.

"Hey, Alan. Did you hear about Alvin's lot from the forest next door? They got a record deal!" One of the chipmunks said.

"I did, Thelonius." Alan said to the first chipmunk. "How much do they get, Timon?"

Timon the bespectacled chipmunk examined his copy of Chipmunk Forbes.

"According to this, it's $74 billion a year."

"$74 billion!" Alan leapt up in surprise. "You two go underground and find some instruments! We're starting a band!"

Alan stayed where he was and shouted out.

"Do you hear that world? Alan, Timon and Thelonius are starting a band! It shall be called..."

The tape's viewers never found out what the band would be called, as a laser disintegrated Alan, alongside the rest of the forest. Timon and Thelonius came back up to investigate and search for their brother.

"Alan! Alan! Alan!"

Hermione, who was still bitter at being shafted by the new guy, regardless of his badassery, commented sarcastically.

"So, is this some sort of Death Star or something?" She was interrupted when a deep voice on the tape rumbled.

"BEWARE! I LIVE!"

"Worse." Jobsworth's face was grim. "It's a Sinistar."

Ron dropped the mug he was drinking from, and it shattered on the floor.

"Oh my Buddha!"


	10. Sinistars in Their Eyes

**Chapter 10: Sinistars in Their Eyes**

Neville used his badass deduction skills to figure out that Voldemort would have sent Sinistar to destroy Bogwash School, the place where Voldemort spent his darkest years. He'd been held back numerous times for failing his OWLs, before finally graduating at the age of 26. Voldemort had been delighted... until he learned that in the year he passed his exams, the NEWTs had been introduced, and he spent another twelve years trying to pass those. Neville could have walked to Bogwash, but that wouldn't have been nearly badass enough. Instead, he and Hermione used Ron as a sled, a decision Ron wasn't entirely happy with.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! This hurts so much! Couldn't you ride Hermione instead?"

"Been there, done that." Neville remarked.

"He's hung like a Hippogriff." Hermione added.

Ron cringed at the realisation that such a mental image would most likely accompany him to his grave.

00000

Upon reaching Bogwash, Neville went through the plan.

"Sinistar is being refuelled before it destroys Bogwash. Now's our chance to attack. Hopefully, we'll be able to destroy Sinistar, and take out as many of Voldemort's minions as possible before Harry gets here to take on the big bad. All clear, Hermione?"

"Affirmative." Hermione replied. "Ron?"

"Why yes chocolate satyr, I'd love to visit Lollipop Island! Can Iron Man come too?"

"He's a bit dazed from prolonged badass exposure and being used as a sled. Mainly the former." Neville explained, shaking his head disdainfully as he did so.

"Dude can't handle it."

00000

Neville and Hermione left Ron to his fantasy and went to make a stealthy entry, which failed when they walked straight into one of the guards as they turned a corner. His identity was rather surprising.

"M. Bison?"

"Yes! Yes!"

Hermione had an idea.

"Before you tell Voldemort we're here, do you see that bridge over there?"

"Of course!"

"Could you stand under it, then punch out the supports?"

"Yes! Yes!"

Bison went to do just that, which resulted in the bridge being dropped on him.

00000

The two hid in the shadows after hearing the racket the bridge collapsing caused. Lex Luthor came running to investigate, but Neville captured him before he could raise the alarm and started to choke him.

"What do you know about Sinistar?"

"Voldemort plans to destroy wizard landmarks in order to bend the world to his will?"  
>Neville pressed tighter.<p>

"Really?"

"Okay, I'll be honest. I don't know what he's planning. As far as I can tell, he's doing... whatever it is he's doing for teh evulz."

Neville let go.

"Remember those forty cakes you lost?"

"What about them?" Neville asked.

"That was me."

Neville picked up a brick from the broken bridge and threw it at Luthor as he fled. The brick hit the back of his head and he fell.

"Forty cakes?" Hermione said in disbelief. "That's as many as four tens!"

"And that's terrible." Neville said as he looked through Luthor's wallet and found a scrap of paper detailing the location of something called the Big Mother Frakking Cannon.

"I'll find the cannon. You should go help Ron before he gets himself into trouble."

"Too late for that." Hermione pointed out. Ron had been caught by some of the other guards, who were headed towards Hermione.

"Could you look the other way, so that I have a chance to run away?"

"Ye had chance to abandon ship when we be coming. Fairly warned be ye, says I."

Ron said in a daze "Yousa people gonna die?"

00000

Hermione tried to engage the guards in small talk.

"So, I see you're pirates."

The lead guard got out some throwing stars and aimed.

"That's were ye be wrong, landlubber, for we be pirate ninjas!"

"Pirate ninjas? That makes no sense. How did you start out?"

The leader put his stars away.

"To be honest, I don't know."

"Are you pirates who became ninjas when you plundered a dojo or Ninjas versed in the ways of piracy?"

The leader shrugged.

"I was gonna make ye walk the plank at first, lassie, but now I don't know what to think. I be thinking pirate ninja sounds better, but it may not be entirely truthful. Come, men. We shall ponder this elsewhere."

The crew left, muttering discord amongst themselves. One pirate said aloud,

"I be a pirate who became a ninja, cap'n."

A cutlass was drawn to his throat by one of the more piratey pirates, with an accompanying growl.

"Aaarr! Hold yarr tongue, scallywag! Ye be muddying the waters!"

00000

Ron and Hermione waved goodbye to the pirate ninjas, or ninja pirates, or whatever they call themselves nowadays, but were shocked out of their stupor by a metallic grumble.

"BEWARE! I LIVE!"

"Sinistar is fully operational! Run!" Hermione ran, dragging Ron behind her.

"RUN, COWARD, RUN!"

"Ron Howard? I'm Ron Weasley." Ron, who was back to normal by now, dealt with this case of mistaken identity. One of the Sinistar repair ships flew down.

"Sorry about that." The pilot said. "We only had enough money for a basic voice chip. We spent most of the money on lasers for Sinistar, and that one failsafe laser, should we need to destroy Sinistar. Where is that anyway? Jenkins, where did you put the BMFC?"

Another ship flew over.

"I hid it, sir."

"Good. Nobody could get to it and save you from the laser Sinistar is charging. HAHAHAAHHAHA!" The first pilot laughed.

Jenkins was thinking about the BMFC. "I did, didn't I? I was going to put it in the Room of Requirement, but then, somebody asked me to put it down and help them with something... I must have forgotten. Hopefully, nobody will find it. Wait, what's that down there... Oh no. OH NO! Sir, we should evac... Sir! SIR! Stop laughing maniacally and evacuate." The pilot turned.

"Evacuate? In our moment of triumph?"

"You know what, I'm out of here." Jenkins flew away, as he'd seen Neville coming out of Bogwash, BMFC in hand, and aiming at Sinistar before its laser was finished charging. Neville fired, and then BMFC vaporised the pilot and struck Sinistar, sending it careening through the sky before it disappeared from view with a sparkle.

00000

Luke Skywalker stepped out of his house on Tatooine and looked toward the two suns.

"Someday, I'll get off this rock, and join the Rebellion."

Luke was distracted by something flying through the air. It appeared to be some sort of robotic creature.

"RAWR!"

It collided with one of the two suns, and both objects were destroyed.

"That looks much better." Luke admired Tatooine's new skyline, now with only one sun.


	11. The End of the Beginning of the End

**Chapter 11: The End of the Beginning of the End is Beginning to End**

"Phase one of our plan, destroy Sinistar, is complete." Neville ticked "Destroy Sinistar" off the checklist he'd written on the back of his script. "Now for phase two, defeat Voldemort. For that, we'll need Harry's help."

Our heroes stood around discussing the Quidditch scores for a bit while they waited for Harry to arrive. He eventually stumbled out of a nearby bush with his map.

"Finally! This map was actually useful for a bit, but then you destroyed Sinistar before I got here, and he disappeared from the map. I've been wandering about lost about for the last hour!" Harry calmed down a bit. "I guess it is my fault though. I shouldn't have stopped at Honeyduke's on my way here. Anyway, now that I'm here, we can go look for Voldemort. He'll be at the highest point of the castle, because that's where the boss always is." The group of four ran for the roof of Bogwash, but Ron and Hermione were slower and ended up falling behind. Ron was distracted by a tinkling noise. Hermione stopped to see what had made Ron stop, but then she heard the tinkling herself. The tinkling gained a regular beat. Tinkle. Tinkle. Tinkle. Tinkle. Soon it was accompanied by a voice the two sidekicks recognised. The incoming insanity was sure to be quite terrifying.

"Ronald, come out and play. Ronald, come out and play! RONALD! Come out and PLAY!"

The tinkling and screaming was courtesy of Bellatrix Lestrange, and Ron's excuse for avoiding the proposed play day was poor to say the least.

"I can't. I have to go... erm... bullseye Womp Rats in my T16 back home." Bellatrix then took out her shiny new red lightsaber.

"I don't like it when people turn me down." She snarled threateningly.

"That's impossible, even for a computer!" Ron protested.

Bellatrix threw her lightsaber like a boomerang, hitting the roof and causing a cave in that prevented Ron and Hermione from reaching the roof.

00000

As Ron and Hermione dodged many an attack from Bellatrix, Hermione panted,

"Why... do... you...have...a...lightsaber?"

"I magicked Darth Maul's to me. I can't believe I didn't switch sooner!" Bellatrix crowed with glee. "Wands don't let you sever limbs!"

"Lightsabers can't use the Cruciatus Curse." Ron pointed out. Bellatrix kicked him to the ground and punched an exhausted Hermione in the stomach. Bellatrix stood over Ron ready to finish him off.

"The Cruciatus Curse is so old-school." She said. "Lightsabers let you be more creative. Let's see... How about I cut off your arms, letting you slowly bleed to death?"

"Wouldn't the intense heat from a lightsaber cauterise a wound, thus preventing blood loss?" Hermione asked.

"Shut up!" Bellatrix roared. "I will make you suffer for what you did to my friend Harley, Ronald Weasley!"

"That was Hermione!" Ron babbled in an attempt to pass off the blame.

"You were the one who got yourself poisoned."

"J.K. Rowling was the one who used my name and likeness without asking permission."

Bellatrix put her foot down on Ron to stop his squirming.

"Harley vomited herself to death, thanks to you. Can you imagine how horrific that is? Since I'm such a nice person, you won't have to!"

As Bellatrix prepared the killing blow, the door burst open. A short, dumpy silhouette stood in the doorway. Ron was the first to recognise the new arrival.

"Mum?"

00000

"Get away from my daughter, you BITCH!"

"Mum, I'm your son." Ron said.

"I'm not your daughter." Hermione added. "Although I could become your daughter in law in a few years."

"That's not important right now!" Mrs Weasley charged into Bellatrix, knocking her off Ron and sending her lightsaber skittering off across the floor. Bellatrix was then pummelled into submission with a flurry of punches. Mrs Weasley then slammed Bellatrix face into the wall several times until she was defeated. After such a battering, Bellatrix was too dazed to escape.

"Finish her!" Ron shouted. Mrs Weasley obliged, and caught Bellatrix in a fatal bear hug.

"It looks like Bellatrix," Mrs Weasley stopped to put on a pair of sunglasses, "Will be getting free parking from now on."

"YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Ron screamed, as Hermione looked at mother and son.

"What the HELL are you doing?"

"Sorry, dear." Mrs Weasley said. "It's an old Weasley tradition, dating back to last week. Ron's father discovered CSI Miami after a raid on some wizards smuggling Muggle artefacts, and now he's obsessed with it. He wants a grandson named Horatio."

"How did you know we were in danger, Mum?" Ron asked.

"They mostly come out at night. Mostly." Mrs Weasley answered.

"Who? Voldemort's minions?" Ron said. "We fought most of them in the daytime, like Umbridge, and Xigbar and the French Knight..."

"The French Knight was a neutral party." Mrs Weasley corrected.

"...And Harley, and Kagemaru, and Darth Maul..." Hermione continued.

"Both of you are grounded for being impolite!" Mrs Weasley snapped.


	12. Duel of the Fates 2: The Quickening

**Chapter 12: Duel of the Fates 2 - the Quickening**

As Harry and Neville progressed through the corridors of Bogwash, the guards started to panic. Unfortunately for the guards, Guard 246 had an unfortunate habit of joking about when he was nervous.

"... And then they said, "The Aristocrats!""

"Urgh!" His superior, Guard 17, said. "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard! How could you even come up with that sort of thing? Why I ought to sack you on the spot!"

A fired spell caused Guard 246 to vanish, and a surprised Guard 17 said,

"Hm. I guess that saves me from having to go through the paperwork."

Harry and Neville pushed him aside and reached the staircase leading to the roof, which was guarded by a goblin.

"Sorry, guvnor, can't let you pass. Boss' Orders." The goblin said. Without warning, Harry pinned the goblin down, wrestled off one of his clogs, and blew into it. Bruce the Goblin soon appeared with a ping.

"What can I... Oh hang on, I forgot to turn the stove off." Bruce disappeared, but then returned a minute or so later.

"Turns out I did turn the stove off. What can I do for you?"

Harry pointed at the other goblin.

"Fight him."

The two goblins didn't start to fight. Instead, they did quite the opposite.

"Bruce?" The stair goblin said. "Is that you?"

"Bryce!" Both goblins ran at each other, crying.

"Let's go to the pub and catch up on old times!" The two goblins left, revealing a save point.

"This is our last chance to rest, Neville. Are you ready?" Harry asked.

"Yes." Neville confirmed, then used the save point. "Yes, I would like to overwrite the current save file. I am sure, now stop asking!"

00000

"Harry, Neville! I'm so glad you could join us!" Voldemort grinned as the two would-be heroes arrived. "Wormtail will see to you now."

Wormtail cleared his throat before summoning a creature to fight in his stead. Upon seeing the single Bidoof, Harry put away his wand and turned to leave.

"I can't do this. This is stupid. You wouldn't know evil if it came up to you, said "Hi, I'm evil!" then stabbed you in the gut! In fact, name the worst thing you've done. I've probably done worse."

Voldemort shrugged. "My worst? I was the one who decided that Sora should marry Matt and not Tai. For those of you with an irrational hatred of anime dubs, that's Yamato, Taichi and, erm, still Sora."

"Yerwha?"

"That was me. The Christmas special was my idea too. Still think you've done worse?"

Harry twitched slightly, trying to keep his murderous rage in check. He failed. He dove towards Voldemort, raining blow upon blow on him.

"I'm going to kill you!"

As they rolled away in a ball of brawl, Wormtail got Neville's attention, and introduced him to the Most Powerful Minion, who had until this point, been unnoticed.

"Let's you and him fight." Wormtail said.

"Remember me, bitches?"

"Xigbar, is it?" Neville suggested. "You qualify for posthumous character status by now."

"Close, but no cigar." He minion took his hood off to reveal... Darth Maul. Yeah, again. What are you gonna do about it? Sue me?

00000

"Allow me to explain." Wormtail said. "Darth Maul here was killed by Harry Potter. Yet here he is, alive and well. That's because Darth Maul is a Highlander."

"Immortal!" Maul snapped. "You're always getting that wrong! We rehearsed it! If I were a Highlander, I would have to be related to the Mcleods in some way, but I'm not. I met Duncan at a charity dinner once, but that's about it." Neville was looking at his watch.

"You done? Go back to Zeist, you drama queen."

"That does it!" Maul snatched Wormtail's wand from his hand and started jabbing at Neville with it.

"That wand will not function to the best of its ability! You are not its true master! The wand chooses the wizard, remember?" Wormtail cautioned. Maul stopped his stabbing for a moment.

"Look. We've been playing fast and loose with the series mythology throughout, and you think this- this- is what'll piss off the fanboys? Get real."

00000

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, a young wizard was using a Muggle artefact he'd obtained from some smugglers to look at fanfiction.

"Hahaha, that's quite the one liner there." He scrolled down, then gazed at the screen in horror. "That's a direct contradiction of continuity!" He squealed, before hastily scribbling a note on some parchment and attaching it to his owl.

"Go, Archimedes! We must warn the Daily Prophet at once!"

00000

Neville was trying his best to prevent Maul's pointy stick of fury.

"Careful!" He taunted. "You could have somebody's eye out with that!"

"That's the point!" Maul roared, before giggling at his unintentional pun. His anger gave Neville an idea.

"You're using that wand all wrong. You can cast spells with them."

Maul's rage subsided.

"Really? Could you teach me? I've never used one before."

"I'll show you a spell." Neville got out his own wand. "Sectumsempra!" The curse was a direct hit on Maul's throat, beheading him. A storm of power burst out of the wound, creating a shockwave that tossed Neville back down the stairs, then blocked them with some rubble. While Neville cleared it, Harry would have to defeat Voldemort alone.


	13. And So the Adventure Returns

**Chapter 13: And So the Adventure Returns**

The battle between Harry and Voldemort was interrupted when the energy from Darth Maul's demise threw Wormtail into the fray. Harry hadn't noticed and carried on punching, though his attacks were now hitting Wormtail.

" Ow ow ow! Stop hitting me! What did I ever do to you?" Wormtail pleaded, causing Harry to pause, deep in mock thought.

"Let's see, you handed my parents over to Voldemort, for one."

"You can have that."

"Then you framed my godfather for mass murder and sent him to prison."

"Ok, let's not go overboard..."

"Then you helped revive Voldemort by torturing me."

"We get the point, now stop it!"

"You have proven yourself to be a worthy adversary." Voldemort said. "Now I must reveal to you a shocking secret about your parentage. President Jobsworth never told you what happened to your parents."

"He told me enough. He told me you killed them." Harry replied.

"No." Voldemort cleared his throat before dropping the bombshell. "I am your parents."

"That's not true. That's impossible!" Harry fell to his knees.

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true." Voldemort persisted.

"NO!" Harry shouted. "It is physically impossible for you to be my parents. First off, you're male, so you couldn't get pregnant, unless you were Arnold Schwarzenegger's character in the film Junior, or had had a sex change but retained female reproductive organs. Alternatively, you'd have to be a hermaphrodite, but they can't have children."  
>"Damn!" Voldemort swore. "That usually works. Okay, how about this. KHAAAAAAN!"<p>

"No."

"There can be only one?"

"Still nothing."

"Bravo." Wormtail applauded. "You're the first person to make it past that stage. I'm not sure whether that says more about Voldemort or the other idiots who've challenged him."

Voldemort drew a phial of red liquid from his pocket and drank it, transforming into a form Harry was disappointingly familiar with.

"A giant snake? Really? That's so clichéd." Harry sighed. "Couldn't you have become, say, a rhinoceros, or a lion, or possibly a disgruntled giraffe?"

"I don't see why I'm a giant snake either." Voldemort said. "That was tiger blood I drank. At least it made me winning enough to crush you!" Following a facepalm from harry, Voldemort added, "Don't be like that. It was topical when I bought it!"

00000

Harry's phone rang. It was Hermione.

"Sorry Ron and I can't help, Harry. Mrs Weasley grounded us and now we're being forced to watch every episode of CSI Miami in a row. How's it going up there?"

"It's not looking good. Voldemort's just gone One-Winged Angel on me." Harry said.

"Did someone say One-Winged Angel?" Harry turned to see who had said that. Wormtail had noticed too.

"Here comes a new challenger, sir."

"Sephiroth?" True enough, 'twas Sephiroth, and he was accompanied by a Latin choir that chanted ominously.

"Okay, Harry. You distract Voldemort while I charge up my Supernova attack."

Harry obliged, and checked on Sephiroth after a few minutes.

"Are you done yet? Namek could have blown up in the time it's taken you to... Neville! What the hell? He was on our side!"

Neville had finally made his way back to the battle, but had mistakenly killed Sephiroth.

"Aren't you glad I came back?" Neville sulked. The Latin choir was not impressed.

"He killed our employer! Get him!"

The choir swarmed over Neville, battering him to a pulp.

00000

"That's it, buddy." Harry said to Voldemort. "I'm using the Great Kali Technique." Harry extended his hand towards where Voldemort's heart would be and chanted. "Kali ma. Kali ma. Kali ma!"

Nothing happened.

"Nothing happened." Harry said.

"Yeah, that's what I said." Quipped the Narrator.

"Why didn't it work?" Harry was confused.

"Did you collect the artefacts in the correct order?" Voldemort asked.

"What?"

"Did you get the Ark first?"

"No."

"There's your problem."

"So you're saying..."

"Yes." Voldemort confirmed. "The whole adventure has been a waste of time! MWAHAHAHAHA!" Voldemort paused. "That goes for you at home too. It was fun, right?" Silence.

"On second thought, don't answer that." Harry added. "This oversight makes me so mad! Jobsworth should have mentioned it. I'm going to see what he has to say." Harry dialled the number of Jobsworth's office. The phone was answered by a gruff female voice.

"This is President Bea Ure O'Cratt. I've been brought in to replace President Jobsworth, who's been sent to prison following a sting operation. Turns out he was smuggling Muggle artefacts on the side." Harry put the phone down.

"I should have collected the Dragon Balls instead."

"I already collected them." Voldemort said. "I wished that you couldn't use them."

"Son of a bitch!" Harry shouted, kicking a small rock in frustration. The rock hit Voldemort.

"Ow! That rock must have weighed seven grams or something!" He cried.

The revelation of this weakness gave Harry an idea.

00000

"Hey, Voldemort! Over here!" Harry stood in front of a brittle wall and lured Voldemort into destroying it. The wall shattered, showering Voldemort in debris.

"Ow ow ow! I hate being banged by seven gram rocks!"

"That's how I roll." Harry took up Sephiroth's sword and, with a war cry of "Winning!" slashed Voldemort with it. The tiger blood poured out, restoring Voldemort to his original form.

"You haven't defeated me yet, Potter! I still have enough strength for the basics!" He whipped out his wand, and before Harry could counter, he attacked.

"Crucio."

Harry rolled on the floor in pain as Wormtail looked on. He decided to take advantage of his weakened boss.

"Wormtail! What are you doing?" Voldemort shrieked as Wormtail lifted him up in his metal hand and carried him to the edge.

"This is for making me watch Disaster Movie!"

00000

"This isn't funny, sir. It's the characters of various films coming on screen, saying who they are, then farting for the next five minutes."

"I know, and that's what makes it funny!"

"I am Kung Fu Panda!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"See, the character isn't even called Kung Fu Panda! And now Beowulf is raping someone. Terrific."

"Hello Kettle, I'm Pot. You're black."

00000

"Wormtail, don't!" Harry pleaded. "He must go on trial!"

"His power to create cutaways is too dangerous for us to let him live!"

"If you drop him, you will be at the same level as him."

"You're right." Wormtail admitted. "I've always thought of myself as better than him. It's just that I've had to put up with so much degradation from him over the years. My arms getting tired anyway. Voldemort, we are going to... crap, I just dropped him."

"Have Charlie Sheen play me in the movie adaptation!" Voldemort managed to scream, before being impaled on a spire of the castle. Neville came to congratulate Harry.

"You've saved the wizarding world, Harry! That makes you almost as much of a badass as me. Almost."

"Aren't you meant to be dead?" Harry asked.

"The choir was kind enough to nurse me back to health after they beat me up."

"What was Voldemort's plan, anyway?" Wormtail asked. "As far as I could tell, he was doing... Whatever it was he was doing for teh evulz."

"I don't know either." Harry said. "Does it matter? Now for the celebration!"

"How about Caramelldansen?" Neville suggested. "I'm borrowing Ron's MP3 Player, I swear."

"You know what? It's been a long day." Harry said. "It'll do."

All the surviving characters, whether they were at Bogwash or not, started to do the Caramelldansen dance.

00000

However, there was one character who wasn't dancing.

"Those fools may have defeated Voldemort, but he was a childish fool. Next time, Harry Potter will face a real adversary. All I need is a disgruntled giraffe to work for me, then I can start to put my plan into motion!" Bidoof cackled to himself, before heading off to the zoo in order to tease the giraffes. Hopefully, one of them would be disgruntled enough once he was done harassing them to join his evil scheme…

To Be Continued?

Not Bloody Likely.

Endut! Hoch Hech!

000

The Narrator stared in disbelief at his television. "What the hell was that?"


End file.
